One day a scientist, with way too much time on her hands, invented a button.

The button had only one function.

When you pushed the button everyone around you died within a twelve foot radius.

Human testing had been a complete disaster.

Thousands had perished.

All the scientists in the lab said

“We must destroy this awful invention at once!!”

But before the scientists could destroy the button, the CEO of the corporation that owned the lab said

“Wait!! There is tremendous profit potential in this button!! Why, if your neighbor had one, you would want to have one too!! Only mutually assured destruction can keep us safe from The Murder Button.”

The scientist said “Or we could just not let ANYONE have one.”

“And pass up all that profit potential?! You stick to the science and we will stick to making the money that pays you to make the science, dear boy!!”

“I’m a girl” said the scientist.

“Well back in the lab,” said the CEO and went about the business of selling Murder Buttons.

At first sales were slow, but gradually they increased.

Once people saw that their neighbor had one, they had to have one too.

“Gotta keep up with the Jones’s.” Mr Smith said.

“Can’t be outdone by the Smith’s.” Mr Jones countered.

Occasionally someone would push their Murder Button and everyone around them would die.

The CEO LOVED when this happened.

The day after someone pushed their Murder Button, hundreds of calls would come in and more Murder Buttons would be sold.

He was so successful at selling Murder Buttons that he even changed the name of his corporation to Murder Inc., but after a shareholder meeting and vote, they all agreed that the name Freedom Inc. had a much better ring to it.

The corporation made commercials with nonsensical slogans like

“The only thing that stops a bad guy with a Murder Button is a good guy with a Murder Button.”

And when people grew tired of the Murder Buttons and tried to pass laws against them, the corporation paid lots of money to popularize the slogan

“If Murder Buttons are outlawed, then only outlaws will have Murder Buttons.”

The slogans worked and soon everyone owned a Murder Button.

(after all, you could never be sure when an outlaw with a Murder Button was going to get close enough to you to press their button and kill you.)

And when the good people tried to put forth laws, that would make people pass tests to prove that they were responsible citizens, before they could purchase a Murder Button, the CEO of Freedom Inc. used his money to pay the lawmakers, to make it so where everyone could get a Murder Button, no questions asked.

“They are coming to take your Murder Buttons” the CEO said “Better go buy more Murder Buttons before it’s too late.”

And the simple people believed him and made him the richest man in all the land.

As you can imagine, everyone having Murder Buttons turned into a comedy of errors.

Two people argue in a movie theater…out comes The Murder Button.

Someone cuts you off in traffic…this looks like a job for The Murder Button.

And because so many people had them, inevitably some maniac would just walk into a public place and start pressing his Murder Button.

Soon people were clamoring for Murder Buttons that could radiate death into a further radius or radiate death at a faster rate.

“If some guy comes at me with one of those little pussy-ass gen one Murder Buttons, he’s gonna get jacked with my gen four. It has a 200 foot reach.” said Jim Bob.

“That ain’t nuttin” countered Joe Bob “my modified gen three can only do 150 foot radius, but I can hold it in and it will pulse death for three straight minutes before I have to recharge it.”

Men with tiny junk finally found a way to sublimate their feelings of deep inferiority.

And Freedom Inc. continued to smartly invest their money into ad campaigns that tricked the simple members of their “civilization” into buying more and more Murder Buttons.

The End

I literally mean The End.

Of everyone.

Everyone just eventually was murdered by The Murder Buttons.

Yeah I know.

Sucky story, right?

Believe me, I hate it as much as you do.

5 thoughts on “The Murder Button

  1. I’ve enjoyed your posts and shared them with many. But when I tried to sign in and make a comment today, I ran into trouble. Your site offers several options. I avoid FB for privacy reasons, but have WP and Google accts. . . . again, rarely used unless no alternative. I tried to sign in via Google. It was successful, according to the Google pg. But your site refused to take it. When it tried to link, I got the “whirling bar of death” . . .

    Although I could have signed in via WP also, I decided not to go to the trouble to dig up that info, and abandoned the idea of interacting with your site. I’m construing from the sign in instructions that the several options listed are separate venues, but practically, when I tried to sign in, all roads seemed to lead back to WP.

    Is this a glitch? Or does a reader always end up forced to sign in via WP?


    SL Columbus, OH



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