There once was a woman named Princess Hillary.
Princess Hillary had everything.
She was rich.
She was powerful.
She flew on private dragons and everyone knew her name.
She had everything, except the one thing she wanted most.
She wanted to be the most powerful person in the world.
She wanted to be Queen of Americonia.
The only problem Princess Hillary had was that no one seemed to like her.
The people of Republica did not like her.
The people of Democratia did not like her.
And the people of Independence absolutely despised her.
“Why oh why does Americonia have to have this stupid Democracy? I much prefer a Monarchy.” she mused to no one in particular.
Princess Hillary was very sad.
So her husband, Former King William, concocted a plan.
Former King William was a powerful man with a magic wand that often got him into trouble
One day he said to Princess Hillary
“What if we got someone who everybody hated even more than you, to run against you for control of the kingdom? That way, the people that don’t like you, which is, well, you know, pretty much everyone, will still vote for you, because they will hate the other person even more?”
“That’s a great idea!!” said Princess Hillary “But wherever shall we find someone who people hate even more than me?!”
And with that, Former King William called his old friend, the Arch-Bishop of Douchebaggingham, the pathetic Lord Drumpf.
Drumpf had always been a member of Democratia, but actually relished the opportunity to pretend to be from Republica.
“It will be great fun!!” Drumpf pronounced “I will have those idiots from Republica eating out of my tiny hands and the Democratians will be so afraid of me, they will do whatever you say, Princess Hillary! We will have ever so much fun, with our ruse. The peasants are so stupid!! Delightful!!”
“And the people of Douchebaggingham will love you even more!” remarked Former King William “For they all have small hands too and have a fantastic fear of everything!!”
Former King William and Princess Hillary were delighted and promised Lord Drumpf all the power he could ever imagine.
For such a tiny man with such tiny hands, the thought of such power made his giant orange head swim.
When The Great Wizard Sanders heard that Princess Hillary was out to deceive the good people of Americonia yet again (this was not the first time), he saddled up his unicorn and headed from the east to let the Americonians hear the truth.
He rode his magical horse from town to town, telling the people that they had a long forgotten magic inside of them.
He told them that by joining forces, they could cast incredible spells of prosperity all over the land.
Princess Hillary and Lord Drumpf laughed at The Great Wizard Sanders.
For they knew they had a great advantage.
For you see, there was a magical box installed in every home in the kingdom.
And nothing ever made it to the magic box, without being approved by the most powerful people in the kingdom.
Princess Hillary and Lord Drumpf could use it to spread their lies far and wide.
How far could The Great Wizard Sanders get, just by speaking to the peasants face to face?
Not very far at all, Hillary and Drumpf reasoned.
For a while the great plan of Princess Hillary and Lord Drumpf was working perfectly.
The people did not like Princess Hillary, but Lord Drumpf would say outrageous things and Princess Hillary would be right there on the magical box reminding the people each day that she was not as bad as Lord Drumpf.
In fact she even considered changing her campaign slogan to
“Not As Bad As Drumpf!” with an arrow point to the right and a picture of Drumpf’s stupid face right at the end of the arrow.
And most people agreed.
Princess Hillary was incredibly unlikable, but Lord Drumpf was even worse it seemed.
Each day the magic box told the people what awful thing Lord Drumpf had said or done and each day, there was Princess Hillary reminding the people
“I may be awful, but I am not as awful as Drumpf. If you do not pick me, then you will have to deal with him.”
And each day the people hung their heads in sadness, wondering why they had to choose between a donkey or an ass and wondering if there was even a difference at all.
The people had heard of The Great Wizard Sanders, but the magic box had said that he didn’t have a chance to win and that if you liked him then you were a white, close-minded male who hated women.
This confused many of the people in the kingdom who noticed that they were not only not all white, but they were also not all male and all of them agreed that they were neither closed minded, nor hated women. In fact many of them noticed they were women.
The Great Wizard Sanders, undaunted, continued traveling from town to town, spreading the word about the dormant magic that lies inside of all people.
And some people had started to listen…
And those people had started to tell other people.
As belief in the magic grew, Princess Hillary instructed Lord Drumpf to say even more outrageous things.
“They must hate you!!!” she screamed “They must fear you so much that they will vote for me!!”
“I’m trying!!” Lord Drumpf assured her “I keep saying everything you tell me to say, but people don’t care. Everyone still hates you more than me. It’s the wizard who is causing all the problems. He cast a spell called The Internet and the peasants are using it to correct the lies that the magic box is telling them. The people now KNOW what a truly awful person you are. Before The Internet they only suspected it!!”
“Then we must stop this Internet!!” said Princess Hillary “Bring it to me!!”
Lord Drumpf knew that Princess Hillary could never understand the intricacies of The Internet, so he countered with another proposal.
“You are a very powerful lady, Princess Hillary. Why don’t you talk to your friends in the various kingdoms and make sure that the people who want to vote for the wizard, cannot vote for him?”
“That is an excellent idea.” said Princess Hillary.
And with that, she began contacting the Lords of the various kingdoms.
“Just throw away their votes, when they vote for the wizard. Or better yet, just tell them they are not allowed to vote. Also I will have my husband, Former King William show up at the polling places and instruct the peasants to vote for me. Just make sure I win! After all, it’s my turn!! I’ll begin preparations for my coronation forthwith.”
For a while, Princess Hillary’s new plan worked.
Many people gave up once their ability to vote had been taken away from them.
“The Great Wizard Sanders was lying about the magic we have inside us.” some said.
“We can never have human rights in Americonia. That is only for other kingdoms. Princess Hillary is just too powerful.” others said.
Princess Hillary even offered a chance for The Great Wizard Sanders to surrender.
In fact, she offered it like a hundred freakin times.
But The Great Wizard Sanders refused to give up.
He continued to spread his magical message across the entire kingdom.
The message was so powerful that even people from across the great seas came to hear and support it.
When the people found out about Princess Hillary throwing away all their votes, they became furious and Princess Hillary had to run away from the angry mobs.
But there was no place for Princess Hillary to run, once the secret police that ruled over the kingdoms found out about Princess Hillary’s failed attempts to use The Internet (apparently she didn’t know how to use it properly and cast several thousand Deletion spells on her top secret magic letters).
Soon they came to her castle to take her away.
But Princess Hillary was too smart for them.
She called her home planet and told them that she needed “emergency extraction!!!”.
“Our plan to take over the world has failed miserably!!” she screamed in an incredibly shrill tone.
“And I’m pretty sure that Lord Drumpf is actually an invader from the planet Douchenozzle!!” she added.
Alas the space ship took Princess Hillary away and the good people of Americonia rejoiced.
They were safe again.
The Great Wizard Sanders slayed evil Lord Drumpf and the people used the magic they had found inside themselves to transform their kingdoms into places where all people could thrive and prosper.
People destroyed their magic boxes and every one learned how to properly cast The Internet to find truth and science.
And they all lived happily ever after.
And oh yeah…
One more thing..
The Village Idiot, Ted Cruz, finally accepted his homosexuality, denounced religion and released the Ted in Your Bed line of adult sex toys and lubricants.
He was a lot happier and more likable after that.